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You know, it’s absolutely amazing how wonderful music can be in helping heal the human spirit. The part of this month long illness that really seems to have caused the most problems is the fact that my left ear has been plugged for quite some time.
Why I found this relevent to posting a blog about it is this, I cannot live without my music for a moment longer.
To have the ability to enjoy every nuance, every high-pitched trill, and every heavy handed bass chord and all of the harmonies that go along with it is a gift that I have taken for granted for so many years. My right ear has a hearing impairment of it’s own, but with a left ear that worked just fine I was still able to pick up all of the small things that make music so wonderful. I could experience it, and live it, and breathe it and love it, and hold it under my skin.
There is such an emptyness in my chest when I hit the keys on my piano and I find I cannot hear the notes with the same clarity that I did before. It’s a scary feeling, as with human imperfection the tendency can be towards negativity and complete and utter loss and I have hit that mark with the accuracy of a skilled archer. My mind races, and my pulse does quicken, but it is in a moment of fear. I question myself with this devastating inquiry, “Will I ever be able to hear again?”
The saying “You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone,” really has hit home in the last weeks.
To play my piano and have only a dull recognition, and then a mind-blowing, overwhelming cacophony of harsh, ill-timed banging hurts my soul to it’s very core! My heart hurts as I cannot distinguish the chords and keep the melody in my head seperate. I cannot sing as all I hear are the loudest of the notes being drowned by the distorted voice I hear inside the confines of my skull. The frustration level that rises can bring tears to my eyes, and make me want to cry out to the beastly voices that occupies my brain ”Give me peace!!!” I hear my heart thud with every beat it makes. It chokes out all other sounds. I hear the rushing of the blood in my head, and I hear the breath as it enters and exits my body. I cannot hear my own thoughts for the white noise, and I cannot hear my music. My entire being is crushed and devastated.
The music we all love to much feeds our starving souls. I know my ear will open up, but in the meantime play your music with all of the passion I wish I could play with, and let your ears dance to each individual note as it’s own key is struck.
Most of all, keep in mind all of the people who have no hearing at all. The slightest, lightest tinkling of the ivories they cannot hear. The dancing melody they miss without any knowledge of it’s presence. The passion and the power they will never know as it cannot enforce itself into their minds and drill into their hearts and cause a gush of emotional surge that can be compared to the tsunami that can sweep us away completely and lose ourselves in as if we have been dragged back into the sea, only to finally be dumped onto the shore exhausted from the experience, yet sated.
Yes, I can have that feeling from music, and I know I will again one day.
But, I cannot continue before acknowledging the fact that the entire body of the deaf can become so attuned to feel the very waves of the sea only silently. The deepest of notes can resound in their chest, and cause breathing to become shallow and hurried. They have the ability to feel the changes in the air that only those with altered senses can pick up on and translate the vibrations and waves into something more beautiful that it might seem to be described as. We all have Beethoven to think of as he wrote his later pieces, and the magic that he created without knowing anything other than the vibrations on the floor. The beauty that can come from the silence of the mind is breathtaking.
I know in time my ear will clear, but until then I will make sure to feel the notes, and not try and force myself to hear them. As long as I can feel, there is hope.
As usual, when I read one of your blogs I am swept away emotionally though this one is not quite as clearly focussed as usual - little wonder when you are largely deaf but trying to show your faith in your own recovery.
Your fear of never recovering your hearing comes through strongly even though you repeat that you know it will return - as I agree it will. Yet this is a very powerful fear which can’t be entirely repelled by your comments. Your distorted voice inside your head adds to your sense of your frustration and does little to create faith in your voice and hearing returning.
Using your own experience, your memory, you remind us of the power of the musical tsunami. This also gives you confidence. But in reminding us of the deaf,those who cannot identify a melody, you ask us to go into our imaginations to vibrate with Beethoven and experience the delicacy and sensitivity which only those who are deaf can experience. Only someone with your sensitivity would expect this of us and I must congratulate you for stretching my boundaries in this way.
Regards
and get better sooon
Ikey
Thanks Ikey,
I think the repetition of my knowing my hearng will return might be my trying to soothe myself, and convince myself that it will, the way a mother would her child. Maybe it’s my inner child I’m trying to soothe.
I think my fractured style of writing must be my "tell," like it the game of poker. It;s the manifestation of my ADHD and in the future anyone reading my work in, any media, will know my writings because of that personal style. The deep moment, and then the confusing vagueness. I never realized that I could so accurately convey a few moments of what it’s like inside my head, aside from even the information I’ve divulged.
I really do miss my music, Isaac. I’m glad it comes across as easily and as powerfully as you so graciously stated.
I always love your insight, Isaac, and thank you for posting a reply.
~B~
This is kind of a ying yang situation, where the good is possible more more so, because of the bad.
Your musical experience will change for ever because of what you are experiencing right now.
You will of course get better, and regain your hearing, and when you do, you appreciation of what you hear will grow twofold!
Hugs
Thanks, Amanda.
My ear has been crackling a little, so maybe it’s on it’s way back to normal. You are so right about my experience with music being changed forever. It will be harder to take my hearing for granted now, and when I get it back I think I’ll be taking it a lot easier on my ears with loud noises, etc.
In the meantime I’m chewing a lot of gum, drinking a lot of water, and making sure I use the meds I was prescribed. Hopefully they’ll all help.
As soon as I can hear again, I think the world might find out. LOL.
Here is a (((hug))) for you too.
~B~
MUSIC HATH CHARMS TO HEAL . . .
Music is a prominent and intricate part of man’s lifestyle throughout history. In biblical times, when King Saul was emotionally and mentally troubled, he used music to heal his troubled soul "Seek out a man who is a cunning player on an harp: and it shall come to pass that when the evil spirit from God is upon thee, that he shall play with his hand, and thou shalt be well" (I Samuel 16:16). Using music to heal the body and soul was common knowledge to societies in that day physicians would often prescribe music in addition to the accepted medical practices. When depression and trouble descended on King Saul, the royal physician ordered David (later King David) to play his harp for the King ".. when the evil spirit from God was upon Saul, that David took an harp and played with his hand: so Saul was refreshed, and was well, and the evil spirit departed from him" (I Samuel 16:23).
In Greek mythology there were two gods associated with music, Dionysus (Bacchus) and Apollo. Dionysus the "god of wine and orgies", employed "wild, unrestrained and undisciplined music" - Music, wine, and dancing was an intricate part of the sensual experience of worship and orgies. Apollo, the "god of light, reason, and order" , accentuated precise mathematical forms of music. Apolloian music followed set rhythms and intervals that moved in and out of different keys. Worshipers of Apollo strived to obtain equilibrium and peace in their lives and environments through music. In the old Greek culture, Aristotle practiced his belief that music was the key to emotional and spiritual purification. Likewise, Plato used music and exercise to achieve good health of body, mind, and soul.
Similarly, in later years Confucius’ philosophies and teachings of "ritual and music are the clues to harmonious living" reflected his love of music. Confucius believed that music had direct effects on the mind, body, soul, and emotions, both individually and socially.
In like manner, during the Renaissance Era, William Congreve wrote the play "The Mourning Bride", in which the famous quotation "Music hath charms to sooth the savage breast ", expressed the belief and practice that music can console many a woe. Even though it is misquoted as "Music has charms to sooth the savage beast," the meaning is still the same. The term "breast" refers to the terminology of that day, where the breast held the emotions and soul of man. Savage breast held the meaning of someone whose emotions were of a strong, dark nature. Such emotions as anger, fury, jealousy, etc., were considered savage and uncivilized. Breast also referred to the chest area of a warrior’s armor called the breastplate. Historically, societies believed that music was a powerful and important part of their lives, which should be used to its’ fullest.
The effects of music on the human body are numerous and beneficial when applied properly. First, music with its changes in volume, intervals, and tempo causes changes in bodily functions. These changes include: "pulse rate, respiration and blood pressure. If an adult or a child feels lethargic, he should choose music that has major chords, a fast tempo, and is played moderately loud. This combination is revitalizing, energizing, and stimulating. Likewise, when a child is hyperactive and needs to calm down, or an adult is tense and needs to relax, he should choose music that has minor chords, a slow tempo, and is played softly. This combination induces relaxation. The higher the note, the more rapid the vibrations, which "produce a strong nervous stimulus" that increases the pulse, respiration, and blood pressure, consequently, stimulating the body to activity. Similarly, the lower the note, the slower the vibrations, which "produce a decrease in nervous stimulus" that decreased the pulse, respiration, and blood pressure, thereby signaling the body to relax and rest. The volume of the music that the individual is listening to will produce different emotions. These emotions have direct effects on how the individual feels physically. Loud music "may give the listener a feeling of being protected." Whereas, soft music "may give the listener a feeling of intimacy and serenity"
Healing
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That was a wonderful reply. Thank you so much for your comment. I enjoyed the depth to which you delved. Obviously you enjoy music as well.
Best wishes,
~B~