Ten punny stories

Off topic, but nice for a Friday, perhaps:

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, 'I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?', one asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was a person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Wasn't he that rice guy? ........

Larry Fletcher Pianos Inc. Dealer/technician

Doing the work of three men.....Larry, Curly, & Moe

If so, he probably finished last.

An advocate of brown rice, his motto might have been, 'Paint the town: Make it brown!' er... Or not... (Gawd, these rotten puns are giving off vapors! er... Or maybe that's last night's corned beef and cabbage....)

-Frank (who is at last beginning to master the two-note version of 'My Country 'Tis Of Thee,' for the right hand) :-/

Long grain rice is hard to eat with those little sticks! <G>

<< Wasn't he that rice guy? ........ >>

Three classics:

A Hindu swami frequented a butcher shop every week for a pound of liver. Whenever the butcher put the liver on the scale, the swami would use his mental powers to push the scale up making it read less than the liver weighed. The butcher caught on to the swami's trick and told his assistant, 'Next time that guy comes in here, put your thumb on the scale and weigh down upon the swami's liver.

Sheldon and his mother were in line to sign the guest register. They were behind two nuns. Young Sheldon decided to push ahead of everyone. His mother admonished him, 'Wait 'til the nuns sign, Shelly.'

Old Chan had a teakwood collection. Someone was stealing pieces from him at night. The only clue was a set of boy's footprints near the window. Chan stood guard one night and saw a grizzly bear with small boy-shaped feet sneak up, reach into the window, take another teakwood statuette and run off into the forest. Chan chased the bear yelling, 'Come back, boy-foot bear with teak of Chan!'

ROFL! Now THESE are funny!

A priest and his assistant were playing golf.

So the priest plays first... He puts the tee on the ground, the ball on it... he measure the force of the wind, take a driver. He swings.... POW! .... Plock! Into the lake!

'DAMN F***ING WIND!', said the priest. 'What was that?' said his assistant 'Sorry, I won't say that again'

So he puts another tee, another ball... measure again the force of the wind... take his driver....swings... POW! .... TACK! into the woods!

'DAMN F***ING WIND!', said the priest, again 'Now that does it! If you say anything like that again, I am leaving you here and you'll play alone!' 'okay okay! Sorry! If I ever swear again, may God punish me!'

So there he goes again, put a new tee, a new ball, the force of the wind, the driver... swings... POW! oh what a great shot! Wait... no... no... OVERGREEN!!

'DAMN F***ING WIND!'

So there the skies coming grey... very dark... A cloud is forming, water starts pouring! and ... A lightning bolt comes out of the skies and ZAP! stikes the assistant, who dies instantly.

The priest looked up to the sky and asked one question to god : 'Why him, God? I am the sinner! Why is he dead now?'

A hole appeared in the cloud. Yes, it is God, the almighty one, who will answer that question! What wisdom will he spare? Why as he killed the assistant? Here, his answer : 'DAMN F***ING WIND!'

ROFL!! I have to remember that one!

-Frank

Francis et Steve Lalonde wrote: